As the Fourth of July approaches this year, many may be feeling mixed emotions. No matter what political party you belong to, chances are you are feeling the temperature rise from the division in our nation over what it means to be “free.”
Chances are that you may face differences even within your family or friend group that make it hard to listen to one another and raise your defenses.
Here are some tips to help you communicate effectively around controversial conversations:
Ask Permission
When engaging in a difficult conversation it is important to ask for consent. For example, “is now a good time to talk about this?” or “are you open to hearing my perspective?” If someone has had an emotionally overwhelming day, it is not the best time to spring a controversial conversation on them. We all have different boundaries around when we are or are not open to engaging in such conversations and with whom. If someone else starts the conversation, exercise your own right to consent. Saying something such as, “now isn’t the best time for me to talk about this” or “I appreciate that we have different views, and I respect you as a person, but I don’t feel comfortable continuing this conversation” can be respectful ways to end a conversation. Monitor your own heart rate during the conversation. Remember, consent is moment by moment. If you start to feel emotionally overwhelmed or name calling starts happening, step back.
Put People First
While you may disagree adamantly with another’s views, seeing them as anything less than a fellow human trying to understand their world and follow their values the best way they know how to shut down conversations. Avoid assumptions, and observe without judgement.
Acknowledge Suffering
Recognize that agreement and acknowledgement are two different things. We can identify that someone has a different perspective than our own without having to agree. When we acknowledge someone else’s source of pain it fosters empathy. Sometimes, this pain may be right on the surface in the present moment. Other times, it may be a wound from the past or historical trauma that needs to be acknowledged.
Start with yourself. When we acknowledge our own source of pain with compassion, we free ourselves up to be present with the pain of others and are less dependent on others acknowledging our own. Remember, not everyone is in the same place in their healing journey. If someone is not able to acknowledge your suffering, respectfully step back from the conversation.
Practice Curiosity. When we are curious about the value behind someone’s choices, we are more likely to find common ground and work towards a collaborative solution.
