Relationships are difficult, but how do you tell whether or not you are just going through a difficult season in your relationship or you are experiencing emotional abuse?
In 1938, the play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton popularized the term gaslighting. In the play, Gregory causes the gas lights to flicker by turning them on in the attic. When his wife Paula asked why the lights were flickering he insisted that they weren’t.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that leads people to question their reality. It may include blame shifting, lying, denying the truth, the silent treatment, alienation or isolation, invalidating emotions, withholding information, constant criticism, accusing another of being crazy or paranoid, using love as an excuse (e.g. if you loved me…). Sometimes people will use religion to gaslight through taking it out of context or using it for their own gains.
Here are some common phrases people use to gaslight in a relationship:
“I never said that.”
“I did that because I love you.”
“I don’t know why you’re making such a huge deal of this.”
“You’re being overly sensitive.”
“You are being dramatic.”
“You are the issue, not me.”
“If you loved me, you would…”
“You are crazy.”
“You’re being delusional.”
“You are just insecure.”
“You are so selfish if you don’t do this for me.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you”
“Do you really think I’d make that up”
“You’re just trying to confuse me. You aren’t making any sense”
“You know I’d never intentionally hurt you”
“You made me do that.”
“You should have known how I would react”
“You don’t really feel that way.”
“That never happened.”
“It’s not that big a deal.”
“You’re just being paranoid.”
“I’m worried about you. You keep forgetting things”
“I emailed you about the meeting. Are you sure you didn’t get it”
“You seem stressed. Not everyone can handle new responsibilities”
“How dare you accuse me of that”
“I was just joking”
“Why are you always like this?”
“If you loved me, you’d let me do it”
“You’re always exaggerating things”
“Why can’t you be like ____”
“You made me do this”
“Why are you dredging up the past all the time”
“I can’t believe you are treating me like this after all I have done for you”
“I don’t know what you expect me to say after that”
“You’re supposed to forgive and forget”
“The Bible says to…”
“I think you need professional help”
“Am I the only responsible person in this relationship?”
If you think you are experiencing gaslighting here are some ways that you can respond:
“You may not agree with my feelings, but they are mine and are valid.”
“I know what I saw or heard.”
“That is not how I understand it.”
“love is respectful of others choices and feelings”
“regardless of your intention, the impact was the same”
“forgiveness does not mean that I am willing to continue being harmed”
“I will not continue this conversation if you continue to minimize what I am feeling.” (Then, implement the boundary.)
If you are experiencing a pattern of gaslighting in your relationship, you are not “overreacting” or to blame for the actions of others. Remember, some people are unaware that they are engaging in these behaviors and others do so intentionally. Many will have short periods of time in which they choose to act in validating and supportive ways followed by periods of abuse in order to keep the person attached. No matter what the intention, you deserve a loving and reciprocal relationship. You may wish to contact a therapist or local domestic violence resources in your area to make a plan to safely address these behaviors and work toward health whether that is within your relationship or outside of it.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233
