Many people ask me what to do when the trauma they are experiencing is not over yet. This could be a child living in an abusive household, a partner in an abusive relationship, or a broken system in which prejudice and microaggressions are a common occurrence.
As a general rule when it comes to
trauma, our goal is to eliminate trauma and trauma reminders that can be eliminated and learn to survive and cope with those that cannot.
What this looks like is going to be different in each system and relationship. Sometimes we have the ability to advocate for removal from harmful relationships or systems, but rarely is this process quick or all encompassing.
Seeking guidance from a knowledgeable therapist can help you to not have to survive the trauma on your own; however, it is often ill advised to use narrative trauma processing interventions to process trauma that is ongoing. Our survival instincts are there for a purpose and some situations may not make vulnerability safe. Instead, the focus becomes survival through controlling what we can control within ourselves.
In ongoing trauma, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Can I control meeting my basic needs (sleep, shelter, food)?
In the case of neglect or abuse, this may not always be accessible. In some cases a shelter or safe house might be the best option. In others, staying at a friend or neighbor’s home may provide temporary relief. Many churches and community groups offer support around basic needs at no cost.
For those navigating emotional abuse, meeting basic needs may provide a defense by reducing the emotional tax and memory deficit of lack of sleep and poor nutrition that can leave us more vulnerable to emotional attacks.
2. Who are safe supportive figures in my life who can support me in meeting my needs if my current system cannot?
For children, this could be a teacher, therapist, neighbor, community leader, or parent with whom the child can trust. For an adult, this might be a trusted therapist, friend, neighbor, police officer, victims advocate, or in the place of workplace violence human resources representative.
3. What boundaries can I safely set internally or externally to reduce harm?
In some cases where removal from a system is not possible or imminent, it can be helpful to keep a survival kit close by. This could look like finding a spot in the home that is safe to hide essentials or having a “go bag” somewhere at a friend or neighbor’s home in cases of imminent threat. For adults in abusive relationships, this might mean keeping a track phone to record conversations if fear of emotional manipulation or gaslighting are present, bolstering internal resources through working with a therapist and identifying a safe time and location where you are unlikely to be overheard or tracked, and creating a plan of action with small boundaries when risk of retaliation is not present such as sleeping in a separate room with a lock, using a code word with a trusted support that means an ongoing threat is occurring, and gaining knowledge about legal rights from a lawyer or advocate in order to plan your response.
